i am fucking drowning
to be alone
I didn’t want this/just below the radar/just before the symptoms/arrive/arrive, at me.
I didn’t want this/just because it happened/just because it fractured/ denied/too tired to speak.
I didn’t want this/I know that I am stupid/say something to refute it/sad and sick almost funny.
Before I knew where your thoughts went, before I thought, ‘tread delicate’ /before I could see that I was severed, unknowing and over-spoken.
If I could sleep//I wish I could sleep
There are moments when I need to get away—but there is nowhere far or unfamiliar enough to get me to where I need to go, so I sit in bed, high as a kite, or more like the opposite, cross legg-ed and staring at my palms, thinking about some made up far away place, something like home, something more monstrous, or less so, or both at the same time, more home and not home, waiting for you. You, never coming back, you, only briefly reminding me of everything I lost the chance to let go, you, something I refuse to leave ref-use, you, home and not home, you, something I’ve always gotten wrong, you, always wronging me. I’ve given up words, fighting, wanting and not wanting, I just sit here, high as a kite or the opposite, home and not home, patience made patient, and answer my own questions, quench my own tongue, hold my teeth shut and keep my lips where they belong, somewhere buried with my words, somewhere buried in my lungs drawing a sharp breath, and remembering that to exhale is too fleeting, too careless, too precise, or somewhere between high as a kite and the opposite.
finding my way
finding my way back
Marina Abramović, Rest EnergyThis is me in love with you
I hated you so much.
I hate you less now, love you less too.
its old news // but i still feel like screaming
it’s like I’m touching your face while wearing gloves
anywhere but this place
nowhere but this place