the fact that people literally text me to tell me “remember not to eat dinner tonight, you’ll regret it”
I am realizing that you will love me, you will leave me, you will miss me and soon enough move on. You will find someone new to love. Someone normal. He’ll be handsome. He’ll be wonderful. He’ll love your smile and the freckles on your breastbone. Your family will find him charming and soon come to call him their own. I will never be that kind of normal and for the first time I feel injustice wedging its way to the inside of this heart. There is nothing I can do but hang my head low, unclench my jaw, release these fists until I puddle on the floor; apologize to love you. At the least, when you return home I can return to being unhappy. I make more sense that way and people will once again leave me alone. When someone offers me a menthol cigarette I’ll decline it. I’ll have a small black kitten and hang large pictures to fill the blanks inside of my empty home. And for me, that will be normal.
As much as that creep made me uncomfortable, the encounter made me realize a few things.
1. I should be more confident in myself, my skin, my brain and my beauty.
2. I should eat what makes me feel best about myself, not what will make me the most ‘attractive’.
3. I should ‘work out’ for a stronger happier me, not for a thinner more hegemonic unattainable ideal that will leave me feeling vapid and empty.
4. I should embrace my body.
5. I should not need someone to call me beautiful in order to feel it.
6. I am smart and hard working. Anything I don’t like about myself is in my control to change. Feeling inadequate is a waste of time. I am completely capable.
7. No damage is permanent. I will always be able to pick myself up again.
8. I like myself. (When did I forget that?)
9. I want to be true to the person that I am at all times and in all situations.
the alarm goes off on time do not depart or cut a line but even the hole in a worn sweater is enough to unravel you. I unravel, then you.
where is my mind?
I am irrelevant.
he’d learned to ascribe just about every facet of his character as a psychological reaction to his parents fighting: his laziness, his over achieving, his tendency to isolate, his tendency to seduce, his hypochondria, his sense of invulnerability, his self-loathing, his narcissism.
—The Marriage Plot